The Thing About Love

A girl in her mid-twenties and a boy of the same age are seated beside each other, sitting before an altar of God, inside a church that is presently without anyone else but themselves. They hold hands and speak in whispers. The sun falls slowly outside and the world prepares to sleep. There are no lit candles anywhere inside the church.


Girl: Do you love me?

Boy: Yes, you know I do.

Girl: How come you never say so.

Boy: ... I thought I just did.



The girl lets go of the boy's hand. She keeps hers laid on her lap. Her head bows down. She lets it hang. She looks as though dreaming.


Boy: Do you love me?

Girl: Of course, I do.

Boy: How come you never say so.

Girl: I love you. There. So easy to say.


The boy looks away and lets his eyes fall there, and then here, and then again there, and his mind remembers a scene from childhood but he doesn't understand how it came to him at that moment, and he feels saddened in his heart, as though he were an astronaut left behind in space, and the world can no more be seen, and left, right, straight, back are the same.

Celebrated psychiatrist and author, M. Scott Peck notes that one of the greatest sources of unnecessary pain for most people is their inability to distinguish among the different forms of love. Indeed, there are as many kinds as there are people who have ever used the word in describing their feelings for another. Even Pope Benedict XVI says this when he divided love into three kinds in his first papal encyclical, Deus Caritas Est.

There is eros or the kind of love in which we say, "I need you to love me; you've got to love me!" Then there is philia, or the kind that friends have and with which they say, "I love you, but we don't have to be together all the time, okay." And the highest which St. Paul often used in his letters to talk about the love of Christ, agape, which is the love we have when we mean: "I love you, and so I will serve you."

The pope says that although these three kinds of love are so human and necessary in the different times and situtations of our lives, the goal of the person who loves another is to bring his or her love to the level of the agape. This makes love, for many people, a difficult thing to do. And so many stay on the level of eros and philia. These are the kinds of love that are sung about in so many of the love songs we hear on the radio or thru our MP3s. "I can't live without you... without your love I will die... My love makes no demands, love me whenever you wish."

But love, real love, the kind that God Himself has shown us does make a demand. Agape is the kind of love whereby the one loving another is saying "I choose to love you; it's my will to love you." The demand is upon myself.

Love in this way carries the power of action, commitment, fidelity, devotion, and care. It is the love that is demonstrated, proven by the giving of time and service to the one who is loved. This kind of love springs from the overflow of self-worth on the part of the one who loves. He/she is able to love another because there is so much love from deep inside. It is the only kind of love that is meant in the marriage vows of "to love and to hold, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, 'til death do us part."

Sadly, though... how many couples tie themselves in marriage with only eros or philia in their hearts.

Healing God

My daughter Pria dropped by my prayer room again the other night. Like in her previous visits, she again looked intently at the crucifix on my makeshift altar. She pointed out to me again that Jesus has "yayay," and I again said "yes, he has."

She was silent for sometime, looking as though trying to solve some riddle. Then she looked at me, then back at the image of Jesus on the cross. Her face brightened up a little, and I knew that she had solved the riddle at last.

"I'll give him medsin," she said.

All I could do was to embrace her when she said that.

From the mouths of babes, much truth comes out.

What medicine can I give you, oh Lord of all creation? What could give relief to your aching heart?

Pain, Pain Go Away

I have a prayer corner in my house. It's in the guest room that my wife and I have turned into a storage room for books and bags and shoes and the like. It has a mattress for a prayer seat, and on this is a large pillow to make long sitting bearable; I placed a straw mat under the two to separate the space some more from the rest of the small room. I have a mini-fan neatly placed beside me when I'm seated and there are prayer books on the side within easy reach. There's a CD player for playing spiritual instrumentals that help in quieting down. And in front of me is a flat wooden bench that's actually a seat from our dining table set-up which acts as a make-shift altar. On it are the Bible, a copy of the Spiritual Exercises which I received in 2000 after pronouncing my religious vows, and a small crucifix.

My three-year old daughter, Priana, drops by my prayer corner from time to time. She would knock on the door when she finds that I have locked myself in the room for prayer. "Papa, open door pleeez."

Last night she stared at the cucifix for some time, standing there beside me where I was seated. I drew her to my lap and she sat, still looking intently at the small object.

"Oh, Papa Jesus has yayay*," she said.

"Yes, he has." But I couldn't say anything more after that. I found it difficult to explain why or how Almighty God, Maker of all that is, was, and ever will be, the First Cause and Ultimate End of all beings, He who is sufficient unto Himself --- why this God would allow HImself to have "yayay."

* My daugther's other word for something painful is "ouchy," which she learned from her mother.

Starting Again

Prayer, silent prayer, makes us confront the truth about ourselves... we discover in the stillness the many masks we have put on, the pretensions, false aspirations, and affections that have become misarranged... and always, someone praying in this way discovers, quite painfully and with much emotional discomfort, that the whole point of life is to journey towards the Truth... and so prayer becomes necessary.

I have realized through recent prayer how often I have abandoned Jesus in my life... this is my great sin, my weakness, the point where I easily miss the mark... abandoning the friendship which He has so labored for in my own history whenever I decide to deliberately stay away from prayer, or the sacraments, or from any thoughts about God... I have done these many, many times... turning away, even running away from anything religious or spiritual... sometimes, for months, and always with a decisiveness that I'm sure makes the heart of my Lord cry out... I would even tell people about it at times, that I was taking a break... my reason is basic whenever I do this: I desire to pursue what I feel are more important things like money, career achievements, the praise of people, quality time with my family... because life is too short and there are simply too many things to see, experience, and enjoy.

And then I feel that inner stirring once again... or some random events and circumstances in my life seem to converge and then -- how it begins I do not know -- I get a feeling akin to that when I come across an interesting book or movie... I feel being drawn and I ride on the feeling... then I look for or make a quiet place in my house, survey a line or two of scripture... then I become silent, still, and most alone... despite my self, I give in... and they begin anew, these encounters with One who desires my heart more than anyone else I know in my life... He leads me to face the truth about myself and makes me confront surprising answers to the biggest question of the ages: who am I?

I prayed daily last week and again this week, following the plan of Ignatius of Loyola, a man who God so radically plunged into a cold pool of self-examination and discovery... and what truth am I discovering?

I am nothing without Christ.